I don't write here often at all. In fact, my last entry was in 2017. It's mostly that I'm an adult now with a full-time job, plus I'm going to school full-time trying to finish up to finally earn a Bachelor's degree.
I haven't been feeling so well the last few days. This is a monthly occurrence now. It's a combination of rheumatoid arthritis, my menstrual cycle, and being in my 30s (something about low estrogen causes increased inflammation). Looking back at my last few entries a few years ago, I know I've been struggling with these occurrences for a while now, but I do want to clarify that the last 6 months of 2018 were the best I have felt in my adult life. Even today, feeling as crappy as I do, I still manage myself a whole lot better than not too long ago. It's like a grieving cycle when you have chronic pain. You have to eventually come to terms and accept that who you were before the onset of the illness is gone, and you have to learn how to manage and adapt to your "new" normal. It was a struggle, but something I've been able to accomplish by heavy introspection and gratitude for the smaller things in life.
Still though...
I have bad days like today where I struggle. I took a few days off work because my head was on fire, my body was aching all over, and that weird anxious feeling just wouldn't lift off my chest. Even without work, I stress over completing my school work that I'm not finishing due to being in this state.
Something I've learned in the last 6 months is that I don't have to push myself to "overachieve" like I was so accustomed to doing in my teens years. That's what makes keeping this diary so cathartic for me. I realize that it's ultimately ok in the grand scheme of things if I miss some work or assignments so long as I do well enough. In work that means I ensure that the good days spent there result in productivity and completion of projects as close to on-time as possible. At school that means accepting some zeros so long as I get that C or above by the end of the semester. I know that at 100% health I would be far above those standards, but part of coming to terms with things is accepting that this is as much as I can give of myself right now.
It's more maintenance than settling in my eyes, and I'm content with that. If I try to push to be the person I am at 100% health, then I far exceed my current limitations. I find that I can go "full bore" for about two weeks straight, but the adverse effect is months of burn-out, insecurity, and anxiety. Keeping things lighter and accepting a more limited version is actually freeing to me. I don't feel nearly as inadequate anymore, and though I'm not exceeding expectations, I am average and average is ok. Even if it's just ok, it's better than too much or too little.
Anyhow, I wrote this because I was starting to feel a bit of shame, I suppose, for missing some assignments and work. Just a gentle reminder to myself, or anyone else going through life, that it's all going to be ok in time.
On a positive note, I love camping out in the living room and drinking a nice cup of tea. It's comforting to feel comfortable.
9:43 p.m. - 02-20-19